My Anti-Bucket List for Age 27

I don’t like to be a copycat, but I absolutely adore the way that Brandee of Chill Mama Chill and Brandy of MannlyMama take clichés like the Bucket List and twist them around to suit their sarcastic, don’t-take-life-so-seriously personalities. So I’m jumping on the proverbial bandwagon.

I’m not usually bothered by my age since I am often told I look much younger than I am. However, 27 means late 20s. It means on my way to 30. It means when I reach 30, my sweet little baby prince will be a full-fledged little boy in preschool. And that ish cray.

So in an attempt to not take life too seriously and embrace that I am another year older; in an attempt to laugh at myself; in an attempt to let go of that fact that many items on my real Bucket List haven’t been checked off yet, and maybe never will be, here are the 27 items on my anti-bucket list for age 27… Things I will NEVER do (or never do again):

  1. I will never ever ever sky dive. I don’t even like flying in airplanes (cue panic attacks/anxiety/all kinds of stomach issues because of said panic attacks and anxiety). Why would I jump OUT of one?
  2. Shave my head. I’m not vain, but I just don’t have that Natalie Portman V for Vendetta head. At least I don’t think I do. I don’t want to find out. Plus, no hair means cold ears.
  3. Tell my son what path to pursue or what to do (or not do) with his life or go a day without saying “I love you.”
  4. Eat veal. Poor little baby cows locked away in the dark.
  5. Play or watch football. Can’t get into it. Sorry guys.
  6. Use a tanning bed. The last time? A complete and total nightmare resulting in a lot of aloe on a seriously red ass.
  7. Stop using public restrooms. I WANT TO NEVER USE THEM. But I can’t. Because no matter where I am, I ALWAYS have to pee.
  8. Care about fashion, shoes, or purses.
  9. Wash dishwasher safe dishes by hand. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
  10. Run a marathon. I like working out. I run… sometimes. Indoors mostly. But no way am I running for hours or paying to run.
  11. Listen to techno music.
  12. Go braless.
  13. Discourage my students. They need all the encouragement they can get when they’re in high school to succeed ❤
  14. Get a grill. The one in your mouth, not the one to cook burgers on. Although I have to say, gold teeth always make me think of Home Alone.
  15. Pierce my tongue. The bacteria. The metal clanking on my teeth. No just no.
  16. Fire a gun.
  17. Eat salami. The look? The smell? I gag.
  18. Eat a fortune cookie. They know we only care what’s inside.
  19. Forget my grandparents or how much I miss them.
  20. Own a cat. I’m a dog person for life, thank you very much and I’m not a big fan of the litterbox smell.
  21. Drive under the speed limit. Places to go, people to see.
  22. Buy/lease/rent/drive a mini-van.
  23. Wear jewelry on the right side of my body. I KNOW. It sounds strange, but rings go on my left hand, bracelets on my left wrist, anklets on my left leg… I don’t know why. THEY JUST DO.
  24. Take a math or science class. EVER AGAIN.
  25. Dance in public. Oh, how I wish I had the rhythm, But it literally gives me hives to picture myself at a club or somewhere people are dancing. Can’t do it.
  26. Join the military. I admire those who can and do, but it’s not the cards for me.
  27. Grow taller… I haven’t grown since I was 14. FOURTEEN. But short people are cute, right? I’ll just keep telling myself that.

So, here’s to 27, as a wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, teacher, writer, woman trying to do it all but okay that she can’t. Here’s to 27, as I celebrate with a massage and facial and a little bit of “me time.” Here’s to 27, in the best shape I’ve ever been. Here’s to 27, and whatever this next year in my life may bring.

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You all can drink to me. Because I don’t really drink either 😉