I wish I could tell him…

If you’ve ever lost a family member, you know the denial, the anger, the sadness, and the acceptance that comes along with the grief process. I lost four family members in a matter of four years and it took a long time for the dust to settle and for me to truly process it.

Although I miss my paternal grandfather, aunt, and maternal grandmother, one of the losses in my life that I can never seem to get over is the loss of my maternal grandfather. Bop, as we called him, is the greatest man I ever knew. And everyone in my life knows I feel that way about him because I could never say enough about his personality, his accomplishments, his wisdom, and his deep love for his wife and family.

My Bop holding me as a newborn ❤

 Some big changes have come my way in the last couple of years. And every time something good or bad happens, one of my first thoughts is: “I wish I could call my Bop to tell him.”

So, here are some of things that I hope my grandfather, somewhere in Heaven, can see, can hear, can know…

I wish I could tell him how different things are in my family since he left.

I wish I could tell him that my son looks like me.

I wish I could tell him about my son’s first foods, first words, first steps.

I wish I could tell him that I sing my son to sleep with the songs he used to sing to me.

I wish I could tell him that when my son wrinkles up his forehead, he reminds me of him.

I wish I could tell him that I have made the most gains in my department with my students two years in a row.

I wish I could tell him how good my husband is to me.

I wish I could tell him how handsome and funny my brother is—though he always knew that.

I wish I could tell him about my mom’s new job.

I wish I could tell him that I painted a picture, and it actually looks like what I was trying to paint.

I wish I could tell him that I got my first article published in a magazine, just like he told me I would.

I wish I could tell him that I remember every piece of advice he gave me, and I try my hardest to follow it.

I wish I could tell him that I look at his and my grandmother’s wedding picture in the hallway next to my wedding picture every day and hope that our love lasts as long as theirs did.

I wish I could tell him I miss him.

Because I do. So so much. Every day.

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4 thoughts on “I wish I could tell him…

  1. Momma Bird,
    Reading this brought me to tears as I am struggling with some family issues right now. I lay awake at night wondering how things will change when my grandmother is gone. I only wish that she could live forever. Never one to be especially spiritual I do however feel that your Bop has provided for you the ability to love and laugh at times when you have not felt that you could. My mother is especially spiritual and has always told me that since my grandmother, aunt, and two uncles passed all within a few weeks of each other several years ago, we gained four angels that see us and guide us through our daily lives. I wish that my abuelita and tia could hold my baby girl. I hope that my nani gets to hold my baby girl before she goes. I am so happy to have read this from you at such a dark time. Your Bop is and always will be here with you, watching you and your guys, sharing in your happiest and saddest times. Thank you for this.

    • Lafia,

      Thank you so much for responding and I’m so glad that someone else can relate. I’m sorry you’re dealing with family problems, but you’re right, our family members’ spirits are with us ❤

  2. OH my gosh…so, this just left me a big sobbing mess (and I have a meeting w/ a vendor in 15 minutes!). I have these same thoughts and feelings about my maternal grandmother. We were so close and I miss her every.single.day. So many things I wish I could tell her or show her. It’s been almost 6 years since she’s passed and I STILL miss her just as much as I did the day after she was gone.

    Ok. crying again. I need to go freshen up for my meeting. Beautiful words, Shannon. I know your Bop would be so proud of you! xoxo

    • Ahhh, so sorry for the tears. I was definitely sobbing while writing it. It is such a blessing that we’ve had such great people in our lives. But they’re so hard to let go.

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